Feminine chaos, Jewishness, motherhood

Jay and my relationship has done nothing but blossom. He’s fantastic and lets me borrow his car to continue school and work. We’ve had random deep conversations about the future. He is conflicted about possible future children and the fact that he is Jewish and I am not. I knew that was bound to come up eventually but he really seems to only want the opportunity to take them to sunday school. He knows I am not religious and have no intention of joining any kind of organized religion..ever. It’s not that I don’t agree with some, if not most of the values of Judaism, it’s just, I’m NOT Jewish and in my mind, nothing I do would ever make me Jewish. Jay was born Jewish, it’s all he knows. It’s a touchy subject since his mother converted before he was born and was once Catholic so when I say something like, “it doesn’t matter if I converted, I’d never feel part of a religion,” I do not want to offend him. He let me know how angry he felt when a very orthodox rabbi flat-out said he and his sister were not Jewish because his mother wasn’t born Jewish. I don’t know, religion is weird. People are weird. Rituals and traditions often lead to ignorance.

The only part Jay and I really disagreed with was circumcision. I made it clear I would NEVER circ any child of mind and to Jay, this was a huge issue because of his identity. He quickly got over it when he saw how steadfast I was about it. I do fret about an extended relationship with someone Jewish leading to marriage, affecting my son and future children. I would never want his Jewishness to make my son or children uncomfortable like they need to be Jewish or get circumcised. That would break my heart and it’s a weird fear of mine. Like I worked so hard to keep my child beautiful and whole. Jay stresses that his religion gave him the core moral foundation he lives by today and that raising children without a religion is bad. Well I want to raise my kids with a core moral belief system but without religion. Spirituality is one thing but I want to ask my children what they think and have interesting discussions about how no one knows for sure…not tell them how it “is” and just expect them to conform to a religion. It freaks me out because how I intend to raise kids is directly related to the relationships I choose to nuture. Being with Jay opens doors to future questions that I don’t always want to confront because I fear the outcome. My son is my #1 and even if I do not want to admit it, anyone I date is a possible father figure. Jay is wonderful and DOES have a great moral foundation. He’s never been pushy about anything religion related until children were brought up so this is all pretty knew to think about. He feels very strongly about his Jewish identity.

I’m still stuck on how something can be both a religion and a race. I guess I didn’t have any strong background. I was dragged to sunday school and church for about 15 years. I hated every moment. I hated how ignorance and arrogant everyone seemed there. Like they thought they knew everything, their “faith” was fact and everyone else would burn. It did not leave a good taste in my mouth. Why can’t people be happy to doubt? There’s no way to actually know anything beyond your own existence so shut up and get off your high horse. Live a little, learn a little, enjoy life, be a good person, contribute… Is that so hard?

Speaking of my son, he is becoming such a handful and I panic because I always think I am not giving him enough. Enough time, space, toys, attention. I’m bad with consistency and he is such a picky eater and he doesn’t really play with toys! It’s weird, he likes to destroy everything that ISN’T a toy…like Jay’s various posters on the walls. He now can climb chairs and smashes at the computer like he’s stopping a missile from firing. The only way I can shower is leaving him to scream in the little playpen I have and god knows when he’ll be able to scale that… I had this great vision of giving him so much more and seeing how exhausted I am, watching him tear around the room I cage him in is depressing. He never picked up on sign language so I gave up (I know, I know, bad mom). He can point to the features of the face (nose, eyes, ears, mouth) and he knows what dogs and cats are. I’m trying to teach him colors now. He is teething terribly with his back molars which is causing him to regress and breastfeed more frequently versus only morning and in the night. Which is bad because I had just caved and went to planned parenthood to get on the pill again (oh joy, BC pills make me crazy and irritable) but I am not supposed to be frequently breastfeeding while taking it do to the estrogen content. OH BEING FEMALE IS SUCH FUN. lol

I’m so pms-ing right now. Rant Rant Rant 😛

-SGM

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~ by Single Gamer Mom on October 12, 2011.

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