Just as you are..

“Your so beautiful.”

She smiles in silence, looking from him to the floor and back again.

“Your gorgeous.”

She blushes and looks away with a slight smile, “No…” She mutters.

“You must not be seeing you.”

It was completely like this. As if out of the song “Just the way you are,” by Bruno Mars. The above played out the other night between Jay and I. He says the most amazing things that could turn even the most hardcore tomboy into a flushed, girly mess. I so enjoy talking to Jay. It’s fascinating to be able to have an intelligent conversation with someone after years of neglect in that area. As I listened to Jay talk about his future life goals and plans, I thought about my own and how easily they are shaken under pressure. He seems like he has a lot going on just under the surface. Calm and collected but with an inner turmoil of some sort. He, like me, has dropped out of college twice. The difference is, he’s only a couple credits away from an AA and I have nada under my belt. I require mad crazy skills in anatomy, color, lighting, texture to get where I’d like to be (video game character concept artist).

When you’re so far behind in learning them, it’s like running in place when you draw. I’m not sure I’m even capable of developing fine art skills anymore. I’ve only taken a couple figure drawing classes and they were insanely hard. I DESPISE CHARCOAL WITH A PASSION and they always seem to make you use it. We drew people, sheets of cloth, random objects. I had a hard time sizing things up properly so my art would end up wonky and distorted. Though the teacher was so handsome and rugged in that Pat Monahan (from Train) way. I also couldn’t process shadow/lighting from memory onto the body so my shading was always wrong. I have piles of art books but being self taught takes time that I do not have anymore because my son has been rejecting one nap after the next.

My ex and I met recently to discuss the progress of the divorce papers. He’s suddenly decided to “hold off” on going into the military in favor of getting a degree so he can go in as an officer. I feel this is a load of shit and that he’s just realizing he doesn’t want to commit to 4+ years of service (despite the reliable paychecks and child support). He also felt so inclined to let me know he was trying to get fired from his job (that he only works two days a week at now anyways) because he insists welfare will pay his child support for him. Oh and he also let me know he’s going to try and work under the table at a pet food store. Yep. He’s moving in with his girlfriend of 5 months and her family! I’m curious to see how long that lasts since he’s incapable of paying any rent. I really wonder how it must feel to be the girlfriend of someone who abandoned their wife and child. Seriously, from a completely third person perspective: How could anyone date someone while knowing that and I know she does. Thinking ahead only leads to, “What if I myself end up marrying this person and/or having children with them? Is he going to abandon me or my kids one day, since he already has in the past?’ It’s like watching my own personal version of the Charlie Sheen downward spiral. It just keeps getting more epically fail-tastic.

I’ve got to take my mind off of all of this and get Portal 2. My friends have expressed their excitement for the game and left such comments as “Oh my god, I want to rub it all over my body!” So I’m assuming it’s good. Now If I could only afford anything. It’s so miserable. Being broke and a gamer is just tragic. Plus all the great tattoo ideas I’ve had just taunt me more. As If I’ll ever be able to afford a decent tattoo in the next year or two. *Sigh* I’ll have to start setting change aside for Gears of war 3 because that is one exception I’m NOT willing to miss out on! I’ve been following Cliff Bleszinksi on twitter to read people’s thoughts on the Beta. Cliff is so entertaining.

Jay insists we celebrate Passover having ended by going out for sushi! I love how he thinks. Roe for the win!

-SGM

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~ by Single Gamer Mom on April 27, 2011.

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