Screwed.

After all the toddler birthday parties this last weekend (we were invited to a total of three all the same day. THE. SAME. DAY.), my son caught a cold. Oh joy. Then I caught his cold. I think I gave it to Jay as well…

All I want is soup. Morning, noon and night. Baby colds are so sad to witness with all the sniffling and sneezing and unhappiness of trying to breath and drink at the same time which just doesn’t seem to work well. Oh, and he has gotten into the lovely habit of biting. Awesome. I think weaning might come a little sooner than planned. My boobs whisper hateful things to me. I really wanted to do extended breastfeeding till around age 2 mostly because the World Health Organization recommends nursing until age 2 and also because I’ve chosen not to vaccinate right now.

The way my son is rejecting bottles is freaking me out! He likes his sippy cup but the whole nursing my son to sleep thing for 9 months is backfiring on me. The other day my mom basically suggested I wean purely because I’m a single mother and that my time spent building my own life is more valuable than the possible benefits of extended breastfeeding. I half agree with her but I have such a mental block against formula that If I can make it till the 1 year mark so my son can move onto enriched rice milk, fortified almond milk or coconut milk instead of formula (I’m going to attempt to raise him partially vegan. I have a friend who forces me to question any food choice I make now which is good but also a little nerve racking).

Some days, I’m pretty sure I’m just flying by the seat of my pants through motherhood. I spend all kinds of time reading  parenting books and searching the mommy-forums for answers to all the questions. Some stuff comes so naturally which amazes me time and time again but other things feel like massive road blocks of WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! proportions. Sorry. That was the cold talking.

I’ve decided that as soon as I can afford a crib, which doesn’t seem to be soon. My ex called to let me know (and ask what he should do) about his work hours getting cut and by cut I mean obliterated from 6 days to 2 days. Supposedly its only temporary (3-4 months) but this is a massive set back for a mom with no income depending on child support. We’ll see if he gets a second job or…not. He is currently trying to get into the military which I personally think would be a massive ass-kicking wake up call for him.

I “hate” few things but depending on someone else out of necessity is little less than soul crushing. I HATE IT. At least it motivates me to better my life, finish college, get on that career…while reminding me weekly that I’m broke, education-less and losing my ability to draw because I never seem to find time between chasing the munchkin, who will be walking within the next couple months. I’m so screwed.

I need to get out my N64 or game cube and kick it old school. Zone out to some yoshi’s story or kirky: crystal shards. Those colorful, bubbly games seriously improve my mood.

-SGM

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~ by Single Gamer Mom on April 15, 2011.

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