“It’s like recovering from being a beached mermaid”

I didn’t take enough pictures when I was pregnant.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve taken enough pictures period. I have tons of old pictures. Probably thousands but for some reason, I avoid looking at them and unfortunately, there was just too much stress to think about pictures during my pregnancy. I tried to take at least 1 every month of my tummy but i was so fat. SO UNGODLY FAT. People asked me all the time if i was having twins…even a homeless man laughed at how big i was! Isn’t that nice?

I do not want any more kids at this point. Between the horrifically long, painful birth and all that went down, my future husband would have to do one hell of a lot of pleading for more kids. In the beginning postpartum months, losing weight was easy. I just went on walks everyday with my son in his stroller and breastfed. Now that I’m at about 9 months post-birth, I’m right around my original weight! It’s such an accomplishment but I crazy miss my “old” body. It’s taken some time to get used to these new “curves” (more like “squishy-ness.” My computer just informed me that is not a word) and the fact that my navel will never look the same is sad. My belly ring has taken a semi-permanent vacation and these lovely tiger stripes on my outer thighs are supposed to be badges of honor yet they remind me of shimmery fish scales. It’s like recovering from being a beached mermaid. I’m 135lbs as of this week. I briefly work out every morning now and I’ve restricted my diet tremendously (extremely limited bread, dairy and NO sweets. cut back on meat as well but that is mostly because i have a VERY enthusiastic vegitarian friend at my back). I was never a candy person so that has worked to my advantage. I rarely crave sweets. Go me. Let me tell you, IT WORKS. It takes time and I’m an instance gratification kind of gal but it DOES work. Patience, virtue, all that crap…

I’ve battled some serious depression in the last 5 years. I had typical teenage angst depression back in high school. I tried pills, therapy and all that. None of which helped so I think I ended up turning to sex for comfort. It was the only thing that made a lot of sense when I was a teenage, haha. I was an odd ball from the start. I was raised in a private religious school. I’m not even going to get into what THAT was like. Trust me, not fun. They messed kids up at that school and I hope they get shut down one day. Their one of the reason I dropped out just before junior year and got my GED instead of graduating. I find it really entertaining that it’s now full of drugs and tween sexaholics.

Now I currently fend off the occasional “not sure what I want to do as a career” depression. I’m so young but i still feel like the walls are closing in on me. Look! There goes some more wasted time! aaah! But really, what IS wasted time? It’s all leading to..something. I hear all artists suffer from depression. I think i might relent and go to a therapist again if only because i like talking (aha! There’s my inner girl).

Yay self reflection.

-SGM

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~ by Single Gamer Mom on March 31, 2011.

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