Like an obnoxiously long time. I apologize. Life has a way of raining down on you pretty consistently with opportunity, disaster and just overall STUFF to deal with, good and bad.
So lets see if I can recap at all and divulge new happenings from my last post?
First things first- the offspring!
Big pea, now 6, is doing wonderfully, in the first grade! He’s so much like me and it’s super weird to confront that daily. He’s always got a ton of stories to make up and tell me; he’s great at imaginative play and always looks to play with other kids on the playground- a real go getter but his listening and patience? Nope. lol working on it…
Little pea, who will be 4 next month, is also doing great! He’s…been stubborn about potty training but we’re slowly getting there. He’s both cute and obnoxiously mischievous. A deadly combination. The kid has a maniacal laugh on him that could put the evilest villain to shame.
Jay. Oh Jay. Jay and I had our ups and downs for a few years. We kept putting off marriage and we get talking about our issues and the future. Eventually, our issues became consistent enough that I decided to part ways about 6 months ago. Now, we still live together (STILL in his parents house…yea i know. i knooow). We are still great friends and we co-parent exactly as we did before. It’s been a difficult road to navigate, especially for Jay because the parting of ways drug out several months before the final breaking up and he still wishes we hadn’t. I was still very much in love with Jay when I decided enough was enough. We had gone to therapy, we had tried. I needed more. I deserved more. I had to let go of feeling like I had failed another long term relationship (5 years). We aren’t 100% sure of how we will go about the future since financially, we are still consistently in a sort of crisis but we’re pretty amicable and still partners in crime when it comes to our kids! Jays parents werent happy with our parting but what could I expect? It’s been a little awkward but we’re family regardless. Things sometimes get out of hand but it’s always been an unhealthy situation to live with “in laws.” I could have it a lot worse and I always remind myself of that which brings me to my next point…
The ex. This is a little fresh for me since I was just summoned to court in august when child support reviewed our case and saw that my ex had stopped seeing Big Pea shortly after dragging us into court in order to get visitation (to lower his support the first time). He literally just stopped texting or phoning to set up a time to meet with Big Pea after a only few months. I left it be because we were fine without him around and who wants someone there who doesn’t want to be, ya know? We were still connected on facebook but didn’t talk so he wasn’t missing in action so to speak…he just decided he couldn’t continue to be in our sons life. He got a new girlfriend, new job and finally, contacted me recently about how he wanted me to sign papers to have DCSS not raise the monthly amount (which is already hardly anything). I declined and preferred the court to handle it with their proper calculator (like they always had). The shitty text messages about how he wanted to quit his job and basically hide if they raised his support were pretty hard to read as I didn’t think he could sink much lower or speak more stupidly. So we all went to court, including Jay who took the time off to support me. It was really odd seeing my ex and the stuff he quietly said to me in a shameful tone about how he just couldn’t be around our son because he reminded him of me and our past, was…a little too much for me. I kept it together and, with all the strength i usually don’t have, seethingly yet politely gave him an earful about how big of a SHIT he sounded like for that. The court raised the support a bit but not as much as he thought and he disappeared again without a word. So, he still expects Jay and I to one day get married to he can totally cut his child support. We’ll see what happens but we don’t plan on discussing our relationship status very publicly anyhow. A thing I’ve learned over the years- it’s really hard but not impossible to separate out your personal life, your private life, your kids… It’s a delicate balance which is why i did this blog anonymous. Life’s hard and there are soooo many people’s blogs and stories and journeys that I’ve benefited from reading over the years that I couldn’t bare not to share my (very not kept up) story in hopes someone, who maybe has been a single parent or dealt with a crap ex or something, could find some comfort that they AREN’T ALONE. 🙂
School! I was 3 math units shy of an AA at my junior college and couldn’t quite sort out a replacement course or something without proper learning disability diagnosis which i still haven’t been able to get but no matter, I transferred beginning of this year and am in my second semester in art school going for my bachelors in illustration! It’s both awesome and terrible (the terrible part being that it’s a real struggle to BE in school with 2 children, hardly any money and borrowing a car). Jay is a life saver and a real partner in that regard. He’s been supporting us all and supporting me being in school and getting there. We’ve been breaking our backs to afford child care for little pea and after school care for big pea PLUS we employ a friend to pick big pea up from school to get him to care. It’s utterly exhausting and wont last so we will have to re-figure it out each semester. (Little pea will be in “transitional kindergarten” end of next year too…). The county pays for big pea to be in care (which is great but hes way cheaper than all day little pea!). I take a car and a train and a bus to get to my school and it takes 2 hours both ways to get from home to campus…but it’s worth it to me. I keep reminding myself that although the degree isn’t mandatory, it’s for ME. I’ve wanted this so badly and i have another 2 years but I’ll try my darndest to complete it. Student loans, a ton of financial aid and a lot of panic gets me there but i am fully aware it might all come crashing down and at first that sounds awful but honestly, with age, I’m slowly learning to accept change. If i cant help it and things don’t turn out, then i will continue to freelance and just build a career there. Which reminds me-
I freelance illustrate now! I’ve been doing this for about a year and it’s both excellent and scary! I’ve made my focus children’s books and I’ve done two self published books so far and a slew of smaller commissions. I plan to keep networking and building my portfolio and eventually, maybe apply at the publishing houses or something a little more solid. I haven’t dealt with taxes surrounding that yet which is my biggest nervousness but I’ve got a lot of illustrator friends at school to help me out. I contribute small amounts of money to the household Jay and I run together.
BEING A SINGLE MOM AGAIN. okay, I’m really not and never will be again with Jay in my life. I’ve been casually dating on and off for a couple months and am seeing a friend i’ve known for a few years. I’m fine with that and I am just taking things as they come.
My best girlfriends have gotten me through thick and thin the last couple years…we’ve really formed a hardcore bond and see each other a lot. two of the three have kids so it’s easy. We have a group mom chat that we just whine and fuss in every week, haha. It’s a huge help though, as silly as it sounds. Friends = invaluable. Probably why i haven’t blogged as much, when the going got tough, i sought out faces to chat with and it worked beautifully.
On the home front, my folks lost there house awhile back and moved near my aunt in another state. My moms health has been really bad (shes on oxygen 24/7 in their apartment) and now my dads health has dipped. It’s been…rough to say the least but we’re all hoping for the best.
The place we are living is…the same, if not worse. It’s been a few years of bad finances on everyone’s plate, everywhere I look and we’re all just hanging on by a thread and yet i still can laugh about it sometimes. Hopefully, an apartment of my own one day…blah blah broken record. lol
2016…the elections around the corner. I just…i cant. lol that’s another blog entirely. And NOPE, not going to do it. Meh, it’ll be over soon and no one will care in the end i’m sure either way. I miss Bernie… >.> We got gears of war 4. It’s awesome. The graphics were lovely and i had the most incredible opportunity to go to E3 with a friend this year ( i wish i could geek out about this more because it was SO fun and I just don’t know how it was pulled off-all expenses paid. Thanks former gamestop employee benefits). The VR tech was incredible and i cannot wait for resident evil 7! I’m ticked that the silent hills game just disappeared and that drama happened (PT was super creepy) but it’s cool to see Norman Reedus still in a game- Death Stranding!! (mmm reedus butt. lol). Maybe i’ll just come back and make a geek post after this long dramatic life post, haha.
I’m still incredibly “blessed” shall we say. I don’t enjoy that term since I’m not religious but truly, things could be so much worse and they’re just…we’re all alive and together and surviving and I have hope for the future, as always, because that’s all what i’ve learned you can really do. Hope and make your own change. 🙂
I’ll try to write every so often here. Love yo faces.