The good, the bad and the ugly.

•October 17, 2016 • Leave a Comment



Like an obnoxiously long time. I apologize. Life has a way of raining down on you pretty consistently with opportunity, disaster and just overall STUFF to deal with, good and bad.

So lets see if I can recap at all and divulge new happenings from my last post?

First things first- the offspring!

Big pea, now 6, is doing wonderfully, in the first grade! He’s so much like me and it’s super weird to confront that daily. He’s always got a ton of stories to make up and tell me; he’s great at imaginative play and always looks to play with other kids on the playground- a real go getter but his listening and patience? Nope. lol working on it…

Little pea, who will be 4 next month, is also doing great! He’s…been stubborn about potty training but we’re slowly getting there. He’s both cute and obnoxiously mischievous. A deadly combination. The kid has a maniacal laugh on him that could put the evilest villain to shame.

Jay. Oh Jay. Jay and I had our ups and downs for a few years. We kept putting off marriage and we get talking about our issues and the future. Eventually, our issues became consistent enough that I decided to part ways about 6 months ago. Now, we still live together (STILL in his parents house…yea i know. i knooow). We are still great friends and we co-parent exactly as we did before. It’s been a difficult road to navigate, especially for Jay because the parting of ways drug out several months before the final breaking up and he still wishes we hadn’t. I was still very much in love with Jay when I decided enough was enough. We had gone to therapy, we had tried. I needed more. I deserved more. I had to let go of feeling like I had failed another long term relationship (5 years). We aren’t 100% sure of how we will go about the future since financially, we are still consistently in a sort of crisis but we’re pretty amicable and still partners in crime when it comes to our kids! Jays parents werent happy with our parting but what could I expect? It’s been a little awkward but we’re family regardless. Things sometimes get out of hand but it’s always been an unhealthy situation to live with “in laws.” I could have it a lot worse and I always remind myself of that which brings me to my next point…

The ex. This is a little fresh for me since I was just summoned to court in august when child support reviewed our case and saw that my ex had stopped seeing Big Pea shortly after dragging us into court in order to get visitation (to lower his support the first time). He literally just stopped texting or phoning to set up a time to meet with Big Pea after a only few months. I left it be because we were fine without him around and who wants someone there who doesn’t want to be, ya know? We were still connected on facebook but didn’t talk so he wasn’t missing in action so to speak…he just decided he couldn’t continue to be in our sons life. He got a new girlfriend, new job and finally, contacted me recently about how he wanted me to sign papers to have DCSS not raise the monthly amount (which is already hardly anything). I declined and preferred the court to handle it with their proper calculator (like they always had). The shitty text messages about how he wanted to quit his job and basically hide if they raised his support were pretty hard to read as I didn’t think he could sink much lower or speak more stupidly. So we all went to court, including Jay who took the time off to support me. It was really odd seeing my ex and the stuff he quietly said to me in a shameful tone about how he just couldn’t be around our son because he reminded him of me and our past, was…a little too much for me. I kept it together and, with all the strength i usually don’t have, seethingly yet politely gave him an earful about how big of a SHIT he sounded like for that. The court raised the support a bit but not as much as he thought and he disappeared again without a word. So, he still expects Jay and I to one day get married to he can totally cut his child support. We’ll see what happens but we don’t plan on discussing our relationship status very publicly anyhow. A thing I’ve learned over the years- it’s really hard but not impossible to separate out your personal life, your private life, your kids… It’s a delicate balance which is why i did this blog anonymous. Life’s hard and there are soooo many people’s blogs and stories and journeys that I’ve benefited from reading over the years that I couldn’t bare not to share my (very not kept up) story in hopes someone, who maybe has been a single parent or dealt with a crap ex or something, could find some comfort that they AREN’T ALONE. 🙂

School! I was 3 math units shy of an AA at my junior college and couldn’t quite sort out a replacement course or something without proper learning disability diagnosis which i still haven’t been able to get but no matter, I transferred beginning of this year and am in my second semester in art school going for my bachelors in illustration! It’s both awesome and terrible (the terrible part being that it’s a real struggle to BE in school with 2 children, hardly any money and borrowing a car). Jay is a life saver and a real partner in that regard. He’s been supporting us all and supporting me being in school and getting there. We’ve been breaking our backs to afford child care for little pea and after school care for big pea PLUS we employ a friend to pick big pea up from school to get him to care. It’s utterly exhausting and wont last so we will have to re-figure it out each semester. (Little pea will be in “transitional kindergarten” end of next year too…). The county pays for big pea to be in care (which is great but hes way cheaper than all day little pea!). I take a car and a train and a bus to get to my school and it takes 2 hours both ways to get from home to campus…but it’s worth it to me. I keep reminding myself that although the degree isn’t mandatory, it’s for ME. I’ve wanted this so badly and i have another 2 years but I’ll try my darndest to complete it. Student loans, a ton of financial aid and a lot of panic gets me there but i am fully aware it might all come crashing down and at first that sounds awful but honestly, with age, I’m slowly learning to accept change. If i cant help it and things don’t turn out, then i will continue to freelance and just build a career there. Which reminds me-

I freelance illustrate now! I’ve been doing this for about a year and it’s both excellent and scary! I’ve made my focus children’s books and I’ve done two self published books so far and a slew of smaller commissions. I plan to keep networking and building my portfolio and eventually, maybe apply at the publishing houses or something a little more solid. I haven’t dealt with taxes surrounding that yet which is my biggest nervousness but I’ve got a lot of illustrator friends at school to help me out. I contribute small amounts of money to the household Jay and I run together.

BEING A SINGLE MOM AGAIN. okay, I’m really not and never will be again with Jay in my life. I’ve been casually dating on and off for a couple months and am seeing a friend i’ve known for a few years. I’m fine with that and I am just taking things as they come.

My best girlfriends have gotten me through thick and thin the last couple years…we’ve really formed a hardcore bond and see each other a lot. two of the three have kids so it’s easy. We have a group mom chat that we just whine and fuss in every week, haha. It’s a huge help though, as silly as it sounds. Friends = invaluable. Probably why i haven’t blogged as much, when the going got tough, i sought out faces to chat with and it worked beautifully.

On the home front, my folks lost there house awhile back and moved near my aunt in another state. My moms health has been really bad (shes on oxygen 24/7 in their apartment) and now my dads health has dipped. It’s been…rough to say the least but we’re all hoping for the best.

The place we are living is…the same, if not worse. It’s been a few years of bad finances on everyone’s plate, everywhere I look and we’re all just hanging on by a thread and yet i still can laugh about it sometimes. Hopefully, an apartment of my own one day…blah blah broken record. lol

2016…the elections around the corner. I just…i cant. lol that’s another blog entirely. And NOPE, not going to do it. Meh, it’ll be over soon and no one will care in the end i’m sure either way. I miss Bernie… >.> We got gears of war 4. It’s awesome. The graphics were lovely and i had the most incredible opportunity to go to E3 with a friend this year ( i wish i could geek out about this more because it was SO fun and I just don’t know how it was pulled off-all expenses paid. Thanks former gamestop employee benefits). The VR tech was incredible and i cannot wait for resident evil 7! I’m ticked that the silent hills game just disappeared and that drama happened (PT was super creepy) but it’s cool to see Norman Reedus still in a game- Death Stranding!! (mmm reedus butt. lol). Maybe i’ll just come back and make a geek post after this long dramatic life post, haha.

I’m still incredibly “blessed” shall we say. I don’t enjoy that term since I’m not religious but truly, things could be so much worse and they’re just…we’re all alive and together and surviving and I have hope for the future, as always, because that’s all what i’ve learned you can really do. Hope and make your own change. 🙂

I’ll try to write every so often here. Love yo faces.


























Instead of dollars, We’ll be counting stars

•October 1, 2013 • 2 Comments

More classes…fall semester…sigh. I’m so close and yet so far! Well, I mean, I’ve been “behind” in my mind for a good long time, being 24 and lacking even an AA…but it’s within reach! I’ve talked to counselors at my community college and next year! By the end of 2014 I should have it! Same with Jay! We are so excited. These aren’t the fun ones though… I still have math…which i thought was my only downfall but I am currently in a basic biology course in which the formulas and processes (ugh photosynthesis) are kicking my butt! It’s crazy. I’m also in a speech class(i’d rather die than speak publicly) but strangely my first narative speech (i did it on little peas birth) went well! Got an A. Next is an info speech and I’m doing it on the benefits of breastfeeding. The complaint will probably be on religion in schools/government affairs and the persuasive will be on circumcision! So don’t I look like a crunchie hippie, lol

The kids are good. Big sweetpea is ready for preschool but we cannot afford it yet but the home daycare he is in is excellent! The woman is amazing and teaches him his letters, shapes, numbers ect. She has an entire curriculum so it’s LIKE preschool. He has issues with sharing because he isn’t around too many kids too often unfortunately. I feel like a terrible mom because I cant find too much time to take him to the park like he should to burn energy. I’ve got SO much homework all the time. Little pea is fantastic and starting to stand on his own (no real steps yet). I believe he has 3 teeth, the top 2 front and a bottom front (almost 4). He and big pea get a long marvelously and big pea entertains little pea which is awesome. I was an only child and so bored. Observing siblings is really great. It’s that fact that makes me forget that both were unplanned! hah! 😛

Two kids definitely puts a strain on your relationship. Jay and I have been in therapy for a long time now and continuing to struggle with working on our differences. It’s more that we are both set in our ways (especially when it comes to things we think are best for the kids) and you cannot compromise over everything… but I have issues compromising over much at all. We think this comes from a place of single-mom-dom. I still struggle with making choices for big pea that Jay steps in and reiterates that he is as *father* to him as he could be which is 100% true, it’s just that MY father (well meaning) pushes that until we get married, Jay is NOT big peas actual father and that I need to take a stand with that. It’s been a huge dividing factor. Especially since my ex has recently stepped back in via text messages basically stating that he is in major debt and needs child support lowered by either me telling the courts i dont need any more support for big pea OR him seeing big pea weekly.  Now I know the department of child support is big peas advocate so i have no desire to lie to them and tell them big pea doesnt need the support anymore but it makes my skin crawl that my ex only wants to see big pea for monetary reasons. My father thinks me telling the department this will something. I don’t believe they’ll care and that they get thousands of these cases a week with similar circumstances but who knows.

It wouldn’t be awful for big pea to see my ex weekly because my ex is like a big kid and so seeing him at a park would probably work out. It’s just the only for monetary reasons part that makes me furious. My ex has an irresponsible track record but until i remarry, his IS big peas bio dad. -_-‘ and the whole remarry thing we aren’t in a hurry over. Jay and I need to come to a comfortable place of being able to make joint decisions as a team for both kids. It feels impossible when it comes to the genuine stuff we fundamentally disagree over. Jay thinks we came to a middle ground over religion in that we will always make it verbal that the kids are being raised “with Jewish teachings” by him and humanistic teachings from both of us (along with christian teachings from my parents and more Jewish teachings from Jays parents). That is, until they reach “bar mitzvah” age…where I fear it will be a pressure fest all over again. I’ll admit it, i see friends of ours that are religion free and they flaunt it and it scratches at my soul, wondering if Jay and I will part ways down the line over it. Time will only tell.

That’s one of our many little issues. I’ll be blunt, our sex life took a hit too. I’m kind of an oversexed person. I’d have it every day if I could but Jay never initiates and if I didn’t, if feels we’d next to never have any. He’d rather play videos games or watch tv shows but I’d rather have some sex and THEN move on to cuddling in front of a show.. anyhow, we are working on it.

Still trying to get Jay to vlog or blog. I see great dad-blogs and he’s such a character, he’d make a wonderful Vlogger.

The county stopped aiding us because Jay came into some stocks that he used to pay off his credit card debt so now big peas child support got all messed up because the county was making up for my ex being delinquent in payments. I may try to go back in the next 2 weeks to reapply for aid now that we are back to having no money. Our aid systems are so messed up. They want you to have absolutely 0% savings. oh and I just heard the goverment SHUT DOWN today. What…the heck? lol

I did save enough money (for over a year!!) to get my next tattoo! Which is a nouveau style corpse bride on my thigh! It turned out beautiful and in 2 weeks the background ( a stephen gammell tree and church graveyard) will be added. yay!

Miss blogging,


Summertime in the city~

•July 3, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Hello again kiddies! I am currently in summer class and feeling naughty for choosing to blog (it’s art history and is dreadfully dull). It is the perfect opportunity to keep myself awake. I do LIKE learning and I do LIKE art but the history of it I can only take for about 2 hours and these are over 4 hour long classes (the other is a child psych class which is great, my  last elective). ughh. This is the restart of continuing my flight for an AA in art after a 6 month hiatus to spend time with my sweetpeas. Oh god I’m feeling all mothery! Actually, i am pretty worn out as is Jay who is also back in school aiming for an AA in business accounting (woo! go education!). We are completely exhausted and in therapy (which is good). Jay is getting to deal with a lot of his internal issues and we are getting to address how our own insecurities stress our relationship. It sounds bad but it’s really quite beneficial. After my last relationship, therapy seems like way to hold a mirror up to one another and really SHOW the other what each other means and why.

Anyhow, it’s been tough finding babysitting. Jays sister has committed to watching the kids the 3 nights we need them looked after but that will be harder when she goes back to high school in the fall. We have just recently been checking out daycare in the area because the place that offspring 1 was attending when I was last in school has no space for an infant and we’d like the kids to be together. Thankfully, a quiet, friendly older woman runs an educational looking home daycare 2 MINUTES from my campus. If the county supports my child care for attending college, this is definitely where I’d like them to be. I didn’t go back to school till my first son was older so the thought of leaving my little pumpkin without a family member makes me wince. I got this whole pumping with my car charge in the car at break during school down for summer but I know it will be crazy harder in the fall. I’d like to breastfeed as long as I did with my first (18 months). It was perfect that he started weening at that age for me and by 2 I FINALLY got him into his own bed (that was tortuously difficult). Jay is very concerned about the new little dude being “too attached” if he co-sleeps and breastfeeds as long as my first (pshh, now if he could only cooperate with potty training). I enjoy co- sleeping but this summer with its 106+ degree weather is making me think twice because my kid is like a heat seeking missile. We all wake up sticky sweaty hot and need cold showers in the morning, bleh. We’ll see…it’s less any resistance from me and more that we have no crib (we have a portable play crib) and are all in one room. I have visions of my eldest creeping over and disturbing my little one if we leave him anywhere but our bed.

In other news, Jay kind of proposed without actually proposing.. he more said he planned too and waited for my reaction (oh men, lol), I was frustrated he was ruining any surprises but understood the wanting reassurance. I honestly said we needed more time to get financially better off and out of his parents home. Love this guy to death and let me tell you guys, ITS SUPER EXCITING that he feels the way he does but all this is overshadowed by doubts and my own dread caused by my ex. Jay said he had plans on proposing in Disneyland (my dream!) but now we have put off our disneyland trip from a combination of my fear of him proposing and our fear of money issues. (btw, my son can sing “Grimm Grinning Ghosts” word for word thanks to Jays sister!) My dirty secret: I pinterest. Hey! dont judge, i’m not single…I can wedding pinterest if I so choose…haha. So I pin beautiful wedding ideas and breathe a sigh of patience. I told Jay to wait at LEAST 6 months so maybe next year… Jay lost his job about 2 months ago and has been depressed and eagerly searching for bank-related anything. I am supposed to start working for my fathers company as a paid intern in the art department soon which is cool but it keeps getting pushed out.

My eldest son turns three this week and my new addition just turned 7 months! We took the kids to see “Monsters University,” which was cute and was my nearly 3 year old’s first movie at a theater. He sat on Jays lap almost the whole time where as the little one has been seeing movies with us since the early weeks (he is a good, happy baby as was my first, thank god). Next film: “Despicable Me 2!” I wasn’t into the first one when I saw it and then started watching it with my son and it grew on me. I’m thrilled my son loves Ghibli movies like “My Neighbor Totoro,” “Kiki’s Delivery Service,” and “Ponyo.” I cannot wait to show him more when he is older. I’m late to the party in that I am about to get language DVDs and such to teach the kids a second language. My dad speaks french and Jays family knows a decent amount of Hebrew (my mom is german but doesn’t speak it, boo) so there are 2 starting places. My eldest already knows lots of words in Hebrew from living with Jays family. The thing is, I’d like to learn a language and French is pretty along with the fact that its better to know a language if you are trying to teach your kids it. It’s right about now that i am wishing we had matrix technology and could just download info directly into the brain! hah~

I think my kids have made me strangely nostalgic because in the last year or so, I’ve been completely addicted to looking up craft sites and stuffed animal makers like Joanne Livingston ( I cant get enough. I wish I had that kind of talent to craft such realistic, cute stuffed bears! Why does this make me feel like some senior?! Like a crazy lady, I watched a bidding war for her latest bear on ebay go up to nearly a grand! Aaaaand this is why they are out of my price range. *cries* I ask myself, what would I even do with one? Protect it from the kids and keep it on the highest shelf while they cry to play with it? Yea, no thanks.

I’m trying to get Jay to start a Vlog on youtube because he’s a talker, a comedian and I can only imagine what a kick he would get out of gathering a following of people with his entertainment. He has been keeping up writing in a journal all kinds of jokes for his comedy routine. 😛

Thats pretty much it for an update for now…still have another hour of class. baaah *plunks head onto desk.” I’m so freaked because I have to take algebra again to finish my AA but I’ve put it off till next spring.. Gives me some time to refresh (if i can even call that..i NEVER retained any of it because i kept failing in high school). I use youtube! lol, I found out it’s an amazing resource for math videos and other school-related teaching material.

That’s what I am forgetting! My tattoo that i have been designing, drawing and working on with my fantastic artist in SF. It’s of my take on the corpse bride in an Alphonse-nouveau art style with Stephen Gammell artwork in the background using these: ( ) ( ) which the artist loved! This guys art is wicked scary. I have his books, “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark,” and I got them in treasury hardcover when they announced they were releasing the books with different art (boooo) for hella cheap online. I’ve been saving money for ages for this and I struggle with whether to get tattoos when we are poor but if i’m diligently saving for literally a year plus, I think I can justify it! Jay got his first tattoo in April. He said the experience was exhilarating and adrenaline fueled.  When his dad later found out, he wasn’t happy but got over it… Anywho..super excited to get another tattoo. originally it was for my arm but it got so big that we moved it to my thigh. My 2nd consultation is this month! I have another great artist nearer to where we live who I’ll be bringing some artwork to in the coming year or two because his quality of work is excellent but his prices are cheaper..much. I’m working on a Giger tribute with an alien done in a sketchy style from an artist I found on deviantart.

okay, no more..I read some of this back and I’ve turned into a boring sack of potatoes. but before I go, congrats on Prop 8 and DOMA going down! Equality is a tiny step closer. (Its been great seeing the daily show and colbert report cover it) Sharing this video that made this pansy cry: (



Somebody I used to know.

•January 16, 2013 • Leave a Comment

As I sit here with a sleeping 7 week old on my lap, I wonder where the time went. I lost my ability to write about life for over a year. I couldn’t even draw and I’m an artist! Jay and I had a son together. Ya I know, I’m right there with you, WHAT THE HECK?? Looking back it went something like: Oh crap, a bladder infection (a trip to planned parenthood for antiobiotics and no one telling me they would mess with the pill I was on). Wa-lah! 6 weeks later- a conversation at some burger joint with Jay going along the lines of:

“We need to talk..”

*wide eyes* “…are you breaking up with me?”

“what?! I’m pregnant..”

“oh jeeze! I thought you were bringing me bad news..had me worried there..”

As if that isn’t the best reaction in the world. Jay has been the most incredible father to BOTH the offspring. Speaking of which, my other babe is 2 1/2! I cannot even believe that. It’s been tough. He loves the new baby and is very good with him but has regressed horribly. Where once he was volunteering to pee on his little potty, he is now refusing. He announces he has to go #2, I bring him to a potty, he then announces he does not have to go and within 10 minutes of diapering and dressing him back up….he goes. The event yesterday will remain fresh in my mind for weeks- picture a full shopping cart and a toddler in the top portion who decided to not only go #2 but that it should be seen by the world..and maybe painted with. (ugh. My mom laughs at me saying I did the same stuff at this age. It’s not too encouraging somehow.)

All my friends from highschool or previous jobs are either pregnant, have kids or are getting married. I’ve always avoided the topic of marriage after parting with offpsrings sperm donor…oh I guess I should start calling them “big and little,” (anyone else have a little, big planet flash? oh just me? hmm)- Well after parting with ex husband (yes, remember, we FINALLY go divorced. The papers only took like, 2 years..), I’d been seriously considering not marrying again. My mind kept going to, it’ll just be so much hassle on my son if we part and all that paperwork and heartache. Jay took a lot of time chipping away at my tall, steel walls I had erected for safety. He’s a family man and very much would like to get married one day. I’ve gone from quietly ignoring those talks to pulling the “yea someday,” to finally graduating to a happy, looking forward to one day wearing an actual white wedding dress (my first was NOT was sort of orange and purple. I liked that whole pagan, unique colors wedding theme then..). I cannot believe I’ve been bitten again by the marriage bug. I swear it’s all these girls around me hanging out on pinterest (even if they are single) and pinning wedding plans. Hey, I’m not judging..just saying- probably better to HAVE a boyfriend first..and not be in highschool. *wink* Anyhow, so Jay hasn’t formally popped the question (he knows I’m a sucker for proposals in disneyland) but has sort of “made sure” I’m bound to say yes before going that route. He’s really wonderful and his immediate family is great to. I’ve been living with all of them for almost a year and a half. His younger sister and I have become like sisters (she’s as geeky and into doctor who as I am!)

So since dating Jay, I’ve learned my fair share about Judaism, self sacrifice and as the Onceler says from “The Lorax,” -an irrational sense of optimism (that movie is all big offspring has been watching lately. I actually really like it even after 100 times in a week). Jay seriously gives more benefits of doubts and sees the possible good in EVERY situation and person. His father taught him never to burn bridges (which I do not fully agree with but the concept is nice).  Jay sacrifices of himself so much for others and when he calls me and the kids his little family, it touches me. I’m not one for water works and too much mush but after just having gone through another pregnancy, gimme a break.

Which reminds me, UH HELLO! I MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER 9 MONTHS OF CARRYING A CHILD. Oh and the whole pushing it out thing. Jay insisted I should get an epidural during the pregnancy and I was reexplaining how wrong the first one went with big offspring but I caved at 6cm dilated and boy, how thankful I am that I got it. NOW I finally understand people who rave about them. I was comfy and felt nothing (UNLIKE THE LAST TIME- Still do not know what the heck happened with THAT epidural) and got to watch myself push little offspring out (with Jay, my mom, his mom and sister present). I was glorious to say the least. Absolutely magical. Jay would like a girl one day (note, not “more kids,” just an eventual girl), which could mean more boys until a girl is attained. I’m happy with 2 though and wouldn’t know what to do with a girl! haha, Can’t say how happy I am to have 2 boys since I am such a tomboy. Although, I’ve now had 2 surprises, I told Jay that I’d love to maybe one day PLAN a pregnancy. We’ll see. As of now, I told him GIVE ME 2 YEARS and I’ll THINK about it.

Hannukah was fun and so was Christmas except for the strange explosion that happened at Jay’s extended family’s house. Jay and I agreed to generally follow the doctors orders about no one (besides immediate family) holding the little offspring till he was at least 6 weeks old but Jays aunt and grandmother had a complete melt down (complete with exorcist head spinning and swearing). They thought it was stupid  to not hold the baby when merely walking into their house opened him up to germs (Jay insisted we go over and I wanted to, despite the doctor saying to stay in) I sat in shock while breastfeeding the little one as an all out attack was directed at Jay and eventually at his parents (thank goodness his sister was in another state visiting the other, much more docile grandparents). Long story short, Jay and I left in tears. The big offspring witnessed all the yelling and swearing and proceeded to repeat it the following week (including some choice phrases to MY parents the next day so that required a lot of explaining). Jay is very attached to his family despite their behavior over the years and periodic bad treatment of him and his family so while he wants this to blow over and to get back together with them (obviously after a long talk about what that did to my toddler) where as, after being treated so poorly and seeing a bunch of 45-75 year olds act like that, while claiming to be superior, logical and medical- I’d like to avoid them and NOT bring my kids anywhere near them for a LONG time. They refuse to apologize or even acknowledge the explosiveness or swearing. Jays father acts like this is typical of them (although not appropriate) and used the phrase, “we need to play the game,” with people like this so that they THINK they are in the right. I cringe at “game” mentality because (and not out of pride) I was taught respect and the massive lack of it that night was appalling. Well, there was my rant. 3 weeks later, we have heard nothing from them. Fine by me! Everyone is grouchy that we are waiting to vaccinate (big offspring was 2 when I started the DTAP with him and that’s really the only one I planned on because Jay was so insistent for little offspring’s sake). Jay wanted little one to have all his vaccinations. I wanted to wait till 2 again but Jay is insisting starting at 6 months latest. I’m not happy with that but that is another issue we are working on. Too much, too soon is my thought. We try to take a united front. His father and extended Jewish family are also perturbed about us not circumcising (Jay accepted my stance on it after many heated discussions during the pregnancy).

That brings up the issue of Judaism. We were very restless while I was pregnant about what to do about the kids and Jay wanting his new son to be raised Jewish. I had a firm aversion to doing anything with the new baby that my oldest might feel disconnected about. I am not Jewish, my oldest is not and technically, according to most Jews, our youngest is not Jewish but to Jay, “raising him Jewish” is enough to make him Jewish. I cannot pretend to understand it completely but we keep a some what playful banter about what our little family is exactly. We’re a family..that’s what we are. 🙂

On a different subject- It’s been freezing out lately. Too freezing for outdoor parks but thankfully the mall nearby has some sort of little play place for kids thats enclosed. My pregnant girlfriend and I are going to high tail it over there today to walk (my fat ass needs to drop 30lbs but is looking fantastic fast after little offspring). Jay and I really need to watch our finances now with 2 kids. We have been on a waiting list for low income housing for a year now. It’s well worth the wait but it’s a bitch being patient for when Jays parents are kind of hoarders (big offspring gets into everything imaginable. not to self- NEVER have potted plants in future apartment/house). I am no longer working and Jays bank job pays really well but when he likes to eat out and we both enjoy all the geek paraphernalia available, saving is hard. Our current plan is to get a new car because Jays is falling apart. I’m thinking, full efficiency and probably a hatchback. My mom wants us to get a prius but those are crazy expensive. I hear Honda Civics get good mileage but the hatchbacks we have been browsing are Ford fiesta, toyota yaris, honda fit, scion IQ and chevy spark. Those are within our price range. Jay has some stock from his grandfathers old company that he’s been meaning to sell that’ll pay off the debt he has and be a nice down payment for a car.

I cant wait for “Walking Dead” to start back up again! That and “Trueblood” are my drug of choice lately. “House of Lies” is really good too. I had never watched much of “Archer” before but Jay turned me onto it. Really looking forward to “Dead Space 3” next month and “Aliens: Colonial Marines!” Jay and I just finished “skylanders” finally (I wasn’t too fond of it but he loved playing it with me so… :P) I have to wait longer for the Walking Dead game where you play as Daryl Dixon (best decision they ever made. Norman Reedus is a total hottie lol).

In other news, my ex is supposedly trying to get into the military again. That’d be great and honestly, I’d be happy for him because despite all the crap between us, I’ve forgiven him and WANT his stupid ass to go find his passion (or just get his darn life on track). I saw him on and off last year to trade paper work he needed and such. Jay still hasn’t met him and doesn’t want to. Jay says he probably punch him in the face for pretty much abandoning fatherhood. I’m just glad my ex isn’t in jail or knocking up people (his gf recently broke up with him BECAUSE he’s perusing the military. irony). Sigh, lot of explaining I’ll have to do to my oldest son one day since I cannot avoid my exs mom visits and sends gifts which is nice and I appreciate it but I’m waiting for the eventual, “why do I have all these grandparents?” question. Not looking forward to it.

Anyhow, look at me rambling and right as little offspring wakes up, I bit you all adieu till next time (hopefully sooner rather than later. Jay plans on starting a vlog soon! hehe)


Feminine chaos, Jewishness, motherhood

•October 12, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Jay and my relationship has done nothing but blossom. He’s fantastic and lets me borrow his car to continue school and work. We’ve had random deep conversations about the future. He is conflicted about possible future children and the fact that he is Jewish and I am not. I knew that was bound to come up eventually but he really seems to only want the opportunity to take them to sunday school. He knows I am not religious and have no intention of joining any kind of organized religion..ever. It’s not that I don’t agree with some, if not most of the values of Judaism, it’s just, I’m NOT Jewish and in my mind, nothing I do would ever make me Jewish. Jay was born Jewish, it’s all he knows. It’s a touchy subject since his mother converted before he was born and was once Catholic so when I say something like, “it doesn’t matter if I converted, I’d never feel part of a religion,” I do not want to offend him. He let me know how angry he felt when a very orthodox rabbi flat-out said he and his sister were not Jewish because his mother wasn’t born Jewish. I don’t know, religion is weird. People are weird. Rituals and traditions often lead to ignorance.

The only part Jay and I really disagreed with was circumcision. I made it clear I would NEVER circ any child of mind and to Jay, this was a huge issue because of his identity. He quickly got over it when he saw how steadfast I was about it. I do fret about an extended relationship with someone Jewish leading to marriage, affecting my son and future children. I would never want his Jewishness to make my son or children uncomfortable like they need to be Jewish or get circumcised. That would break my heart and it’s a weird fear of mine. Like I worked so hard to keep my child beautiful and whole. Jay stresses that his religion gave him the core moral foundation he lives by today and that raising children without a religion is bad. Well I want to raise my kids with a core moral belief system but without religion. Spirituality is one thing but I want to ask my children what they think and have interesting discussions about how no one knows for sure…not tell them how it “is” and just expect them to conform to a religion. It freaks me out because how I intend to raise kids is directly related to the relationships I choose to nuture. Being with Jay opens doors to future questions that I don’t always want to confront because I fear the outcome. My son is my #1 and even if I do not want to admit it, anyone I date is a possible father figure. Jay is wonderful and DOES have a great moral foundation. He’s never been pushy about anything religion related until children were brought up so this is all pretty knew to think about. He feels very strongly about his Jewish identity.

I’m still stuck on how something can be both a religion and a race. I guess I didn’t have any strong background. I was dragged to sunday school and church for about 15 years. I hated every moment. I hated how ignorance and arrogant everyone seemed there. Like they thought they knew everything, their “faith” was fact and everyone else would burn. It did not leave a good taste in my mouth. Why can’t people be happy to doubt? There’s no way to actually know anything beyond your own existence so shut up and get off your high horse. Live a little, learn a little, enjoy life, be a good person, contribute… Is that so hard?

Speaking of my son, he is becoming such a handful and I panic because I always think I am not giving him enough. Enough time, space, toys, attention. I’m bad with consistency and he is such a picky eater and he doesn’t really play with toys! It’s weird, he likes to destroy everything that ISN’T a toy…like Jay’s various posters on the walls. He now can climb chairs and smashes at the computer like he’s stopping a missile from firing. The only way I can shower is leaving him to scream in the little playpen I have and god knows when he’ll be able to scale that… I had this great vision of giving him so much more and seeing how exhausted I am, watching him tear around the room I cage him in is depressing. He never picked up on sign language so I gave up (I know, I know, bad mom). He can point to the features of the face (nose, eyes, ears, mouth) and he knows what dogs and cats are. I’m trying to teach him colors now. He is teething terribly with his back molars which is causing him to regress and breastfeed more frequently versus only morning and in the night. Which is bad because I had just caved and went to planned parenthood to get on the pill again (oh joy, BC pills make me crazy and irritable) but I am not supposed to be frequently breastfeeding while taking it do to the estrogen content. OH BEING FEMALE IS SUCH FUN. lol

I’m so pms-ing right now. Rant Rant Rant 😛


This hurricane called life.

•October 12, 2011 • Leave a Comment

So my last technical post would have been in august. It’s now october… what…happened?!

I’ll tell you what- my life took a huge turn. I’m currently living with Jay because my parents kicked me out. Yes…they kicked both my 15 month old son and I out. Mostly over the fact that they wanted far more control over parenting MY son than I was willing to give them. Note- living with grandparents is BAD. They still watch my son when I am in school the 2 days I go and 1 day out of the 3 I have work (got a job at a cafe). The blow out between my dad and I the night I got kicked out was monumental and we havent talked much since. He insists it’s all my fault and I should be apologizing but when your own father lays hands on you,…asking for an apology is pretty ballsy. So I do not know where my relationship with my parents is going. My father has also thrown me under the bus over all the stuff about his own divorce. That’s another story but according to my mom, they are “just fine” and my dad wont talk about it anymore. That’s great because I’m done being his emotional crutch.

I’ve been having to deal with a lot of craziness lately. Paperwork up the ass. Government assistance, filing the last of the divorce related papers, getting medical insurance for my son and I … It’s never-ending. I hope to get a second job since my cafe job is only 3 days. I interviewed at gamestop recently. We’ll see about that… 🙂

I’m so sorry guys for the long hiatus. I told you sticking with something is hard for me. Living with Jay and is family when there is such turmoil with my own is sad. They are wonderful and make me wonder why my own is so disfunctional.


ps- for my birthday, Jay got me the “Gears of war3” xbox360. It makes chainsaw noises when you turn it on. I about died. This guy…is…fantastic. I was sick for the Gears of war 3 launch which was terrible but when I came home from something the day after, he had set the whole system up and had the Gears game on the screen. LOVE THIS BOY. On the rare occations when my son sleeps in and we are up earlier than he is, we play. We play like our lives depend on it. It’s awesome. I think we are on chapter 4 in campaign and I only recently started multiplayer. Jay had to buy some xbox live which he swore he would never do since he is such a PS3 guy.


•October 12, 2011 • Leave a Comment

This was a draft that was to be posted back a couple months ago so forgive its oldness, i’m about to update. sorry for hiatus-


That is definitely a lesson learned. Never get something pierced with a ring versus a stud. The ring in my lip tried to embed itself into my skin so it wouldn’t heal. I went back to another shop 3 weeks later and got a stud put in which felt awful to begin with because it was banging my teeth but now feels wonderful and not sore. I’m sad about reacting poorly to the ring because I was looking forward to wearing rings but oh well. The stud looks cute.

My ex confirmed yet again that he had no interest in being a father and that he wants to press forward with the termination of his parental rights. This is bittersweet but more sweet than bitter at this point. I’m glad he wont be that drive by dad that has no interest in his kids and makes them suffer.  At least he’ll just plain be gone from our lives for the most part. Most of his family gives me the cold shoulder anyhow.

My dad finally broke the divorce to my mom. I spent all last week staying with my son at Jay’s house. It was like a little vacation from chaotic life. He let me borrow his car when he was at work and I got to parent without the intrusion of my folks. He said really sweet things about the future as well, like how he envisions a cohabitation with us. Personally, I’ve told myself I should be engaged at bare minimum before cohabitation with anyone again. We’ll see what the future holds.

I’ve been happily catching Jay up on all the prior seasons of “the guild” and he has been watching “True Blood” with me every Sunday. We took my son to an aquarium for the first time the other day. He enjoyed the jelly fish and we got to see starfish be fed which is weird because they barely move.

I need to pre-order Dead Island and both new Resident Evil games! I made the leap and got a credit card a month ago because my internship is supposed to start end of next month. It’s scary spending money you do not have. I only got it to BUILD credit. Let’s hope I don’t destroy my credit…

I cant tell if the zoloft is working. My dad thinks it makes me unsympathetic but honestly, I think that’s just me being overwhelmed